Today Could Be My Last

This blog post has special meaning. It may be the last. I am currently riding shotgun while my 16 year old son is driving us to Lincoln. Yes, he is 16 and technically should already have his license but he's the kind of guy who was happy to let his sister drive him to school, swim practice and where ever else because it was easier. Then when it got to be crunch time, he failed the permit test three times....but who doesn't, right? No? whatever. Add to that, every time he needed to take Driver's Ed, there was something going on to prevent it; golf practice, work, etc.

Wanting him to drive is surely a double-edged sword. I'm weary of carting his happy hiney all over creation but I'm terrified of riding with him. This is by kid who routinely says, "Wait, what?" in the middle of every conversation because he tuned out and then back in. This is not a good omen for driving.

But today I have to go to Lincoln and have something like 22,000 dental x-rays taken by my daughter who is almost finished with her Dental Assisting program. (This is where I wish she'd gone to beauty school instead of dental school) Since I have PTSD in regard to all things dental, I am not so much looking forward to this visit. At least it's only x-rays and not drilling, squirting, sucking, poking and prodding. Oh my! I'm experiencing heart palpatations now! Since I'm already near cardiac arrest with fear of the dentist, I thought now would be the perfect time to let the boy drive on the highway. This is sort of the same reasoning I used when I pierced M's ears on the same day she got her six month immunizations.

In chose to get out of town before handing over the wheel (read: my life) to the very excited boy. I pulled over to the side of the road and we were going to change places. Keep in mind that this boy doesn't hurry to do ANYTHING. He has two speeds: slow and sitting. But not today! Today before I can say, "Wait by the bumper until the semi goes by before you go open the door to get in." he is around the bumper and has the door open. As the semi swiftly approaches, threatening to either hit both boy and door, or at the very least, tear the door off with his backwash of air, I'm screaming for him to HURRY UP AND GET IN!! Given he has stiff legs, getting in is never quick. He finally gets the door slammed shut, the semi roars by. My throat tightened up and my left arm throbbed. I wonder; will I die of fright or a firey crash first?

We just took a cut off and rather than slowing to smoothly navigate the curve, we approached too quickly, almost stopped in the middle and then gunned it. I'm wishing I had spiked my latte this morning.

Most of the roads here in the heartland are flat and straight. The whole place is built around farm acres. This should be simple. I'm wishing I had remembered that nothing is ever simple.

I just asked him, "What are you going?" He responds, "Where am I going?" Why would I ask him where is he going? I'm wishing I had remembered that communication is not this guy's main strength. Wait, what?

I'm sweating profusely now. Is it fear? Is it the anticipation of my own death? Is it a hot flash?

I keep stealing glances at him. He appears to be almost asleep. I quearied and he assured me he was awake. I wonder what he is thinking about? Is he thinking about texting the girl he is dating? Is he calculating the distance from our bumper to the car in front? Is he thinking at all? He seriously appears two seconds from sleep.

And he is awake! We just turned from highway to another. He slowed appropriately and got into the turn lane. Two cars were coming so he stopped. He didn't HAVE to stop but he said he thought he did have to come to a complete stand still stop. In fact, rather than simply slowing down and easing to an almost stop (all that was necessary), he got to the perfect almost stop and then said, "Oh! I almost had it!" and then proceeded to stand on the brake until we almost got whiplash and our seatbelts locked. There is no eyeroll big enough for me at this point.

I have taught three other kids to drive. You think I would be a pro. But I'm not. Each kid has their own quirky things about driving. My daughter A was similar to C and no matter how many times I yelled SLOW DOWN, she would SAY she was slowing down without actually decreasing speed at all. She is a fine driver now, though, so I take comfort in that.

I am going to sign off now and spend a little time in prayer, preparing to meet my maker. Wait, what?

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It's a Blog, Blog, Blog, Blog World

Blogging is abounding in my house these days. My daughter, A, came home for the weekend and started a blog. Our visit has been punctuated by the click, click, clicking of laptop keys as she blogs away.

A is my kiddo who holds her cards pretty close to the vest. She isn't too fond of discussion of any personal nature and most assuredly not confrontation of any kind. When she was a little girl we found a way around that by using a notebook to write back and forth to one another. It was a way to keep the lines of communication open without the anxiety of face to face discussion. Now that she's 'all grown up'...or at least 'mostly grown up' we talk more often because we have built the trust necessary to say what one feels and know that it's ok. (She is a truly fabulous girl, my A!)

Through her newly minted blog I have come to realize that she's feeling a little adrift with the GIGANTIC changes that have occurred in her life in the last few months. What changes, you ask? Well she graduated high school in May, moved to a LARGE city...alone, started a new job with BIG responsibilities and went on a 10 day tour of Europe. Admittedly, that would knock anyone off kilter! Throw in a massacre of 12 innocent people who were enjoying a movie premiere and life feels a little shaky.

As a mom, it's hard to see your child struggle, be afraid, question her faith. Part of me wants to bring her home, shield her from the world and keep her safe. But I can't. My job now is to cheer from the sidelines; to call plays when she needs a suggestion for a game plan and pray.

These are the days when she is learning who she is. She is finding out just how strong she is. She is finding out she is as strong as I've always assured her she was. Sure, she is wobbly sometimes. She gets homesick so we text or talk on the phone. She gets frustrated at work so we talk about different ways to resolve employee conflicts or encourage good behavior. She signs up for her college classes and we celebrate!

Oddly, these are the days I have lived for. For me, this is the pay off. All the years spent teaching...well...everything you need to know when you fly from the nest, have paid off in spades! Watching her set up her home (an apartment her dad and I found downtown close to the Old Market area she loves); seeing her manage her time well and excel at her job; knowing she can manage her money well and loving that she wants to come home when she has the chance. It is affirming for me to see her do well.

But, I guess all these things that make me proud are making her crazy! She is lonely living alone and since school hasn't started yet, she hasn't had many chances to meet new people. She has to pay rent and utilities. She has to manage a sizable group of employees that are barely younger than she is. Bless her heart, I understand those things ARE hard. Maybe she would rather have stayed home all summer and lounged around. Perhaps she would rather be the lifeguard rather than the Manager at the pool.

Honestly, I don't think so. She is capable and intelligent and adventurous. She is a leader. She has her sister, M, who comes to have dinner with her from Lincoln. Her dad checks in with her between his service calls. Her siblings connect with her on Facebook and I try to pop in and see her as often as I can get to Omaha. She is surrounded by those who love and support her, though not as geographically close as before. She will find her rhythm and before we know it, she will be too busy to come home and visit!

As for questioning why a loving God would allow such pain and suffering, I don't have the answer for her. I share what I believe and encourage her to give thought to what she believes and knows to be true. Is God a big ole teddy bear who just does warm fuzzy things for us out of love? Is He a hard hearted deity who punishes even the innocent? This is her time to read, study, seek out those with wisdom and decide for herself what she knows to be true. I have faith that she will find the right road. I absolutely do NOT want her to believe what I believe simply because it is what she is supposed to believe. What kind of faith would that be? No, she needs to work it our for herself. Only then will it be HER faith.

I'm thankful for A's new blog. It's like a grown up version of our old notebook. I get a glimpse of what is kicking around in her heart and her head. I don't offer advice unless I'm asked. I love that she asks questions and wonders. She is growing and becoming herself.

I wonder who else in the family is going to start a blog? With a family the size of ours, we could get fined for using up too much of the Internet!

 

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The Light Dawns

For a lot of years now I have been a little off kilter. Yeah, yeah....I know what you are thinking; you already knew that. I freely admit to being a little quirky and occasionally downright backwards, but that isn't what I am talking about.

Let me back up. There was a time, many years in my life when I could do anything I put my mind to. I was strong and relatively intelligent. I got any job I applied for. I could work out and not perish. I had clothes that fit. I was good at my job. I had friends....lots of them! I knew myself; my strengths and weaknesses.

Things changed a bit when I got married and my family (parents and brother) moved to another state, I was a bit adrift in the sea if my new family. They all had each other and 'their' ways (which I was not to question) and I felt like an outsider and alone. Now don't get me wrong! Nothing was ever done by most of them to make me feel this way. They were just living the life they always had. They had no idea what it was like to stand in my shoes and it simply never occurred to them to find out. It is only now, some 25 years later that I finally understand some of the inner workings of this family. But I will get to that in a bit.

So, here I am, a newly married 20 year old and my greatest dream is to be a wife and mother. I know that I am nurturing and I have a really well developed sense of right and wrong. I love children. This I can do! And so, we begin our family. First a son; an amazing little man who has grown into an amazing big man. He was a delight and a challenge all rolled into one. Why not have more! Along came our first daughter...and 18 months of post-partum depression. Our daughter was the most beautiful baby ever and I was so happy to be her mom, but I just couldn't shake the baby blues.

As I had said before, my family had moved to another state and so I was on my own. It was actually my sister, who also lived in another state but was savvy enough to pick up on the symptoms, who urged me to seek help. In my own defense, I did reach out once. I was desperate and in a phone conversation with my mother-in-law said' "I don't understand. I really need help and you are taking (sister-in-law) on a vacation to talk her out of dating some guy.". Her reply, "well, I can see you are just jealous.". I'm not sure it was jealousy but I was a mess. I truly needed help but I learned that day not to ask. Not to depend. I was not at the top of the list. I needed to pull myself up by my bootstraps and move on. If only it were that easy.

Fast forward a few years and we have adopted four beautiful children. This is what we felt led to do. No regrets. However...this is where my whole being began to be chipped away daily. What did I always want to be? A mom. What did I think I was good at? Nurturing children and raising them to be good adults. Well, let me tell you, those notions were being put to the test.

After losing virtually all of our friends because we chose to adopt initially, we had very little support. That's ok. I am strong. I can do this. Child needs a Bilateral Craniotomy? No problem. Next child needs a prosthetic leg our insurance won't cover? No problem. I will make three or four trips to Minneapolis with all the kids by myself each year. The boys need counseling to overcome the trauma they experienced in the beginning of their lives? No problem. I will structure our days and our budget to accommodate that too.

Except it isn't that easy. It isn't that cut and dried. It isn't always 'no problem'. Sometimes it actually is PROBLEM! Especially if you add into this scenario being self employed and having a spouse who works 80 hours a week. It is draining. It is overwhelming.

The hardest part has now been addressed, thankfully. The boys are in counseling. Things are on the upswing. But prior to this year? Well, let's just say things were on a downswing.

Nothing I did parenting-wise was working. Everything that worked with the other four kiddos bounced off those boys like they were rubber. They were impervious to my love and nurturing. They lied. They snuck. They smiled and nodded when you gave instructions and then went and did exactly what they wanted to do. One of them has destroyed all of our books. He also has urinated on the floor when angry. He has spent every morning of the last three years doing everything he can do make me angry before school. He has succeeded.

I became an angry mom. I was angry because I was trying so hard, doing everything I knew how, reading all the parenting books I could and still, nothing was turning out right. I was failing at parenting. I was failing at the ONE thing I thought I would be good at! I was a failure at the thing I had always dreamed of being. A painful reality.

Then a light appeared at the end of my tunnel and this time it did not turn out to be an oncoming train. I found out about a place in Norfolk that does attachment counseling with internationally adopted children. I called. We went. We are still going. Everyone is learning about themselves and making progress. Let me tell you though, it ain't easy! To face abandonment and make peace with it...hard. To truly believe that you are worth being loved....hard. To learn not to react immediately in anger to a child who is reacting to intrinsic memory....hard.

But we are working through the hard stuff. We are becoming a closer family. Nobody urinates on the floor and the truth is told at a normal level. It is disappointing to realize that I could not just be the amazing parent I thought I could be but I am ever thankful to God for bringing the Counseling Enrichment Center into our lives. He has worked mightily through them to mold and repair our family. Are we 'there' yet? Nope. But we are making progress and that is better than before.

In addition to getting the attachment help we needed, I have come to realize that not being on the top of my mother-in-laws list is not my fault. It isn't due to some failing on my part as I believed for so many years. I know she loves me. No doubt about that. But her daughter is just that, her daughter. The baby she prayed for many years ago and was the answer to those prayers. I have never wanted to compete with the sister-in-law...ever. There is nothing to compete for. I simply needed a mom all those years ago and did not, at that time, understand her choice. Now I do. I also understand that things happen for a reason and I can be aware of how I treat my daughters and sons-in-law because of this.

So on a few levels, the light has dawned for me. Realizing that the boys needed more than I was qualified to give has released me from my constant anger at myself for not being a better parent. Realizing that finding our family the help we need was really a good parenting move....well maybe I am an OK parent after all! Besides, on the whole I do have some pretty amazing, respectful, smart, witty and all around fantabulous kids!

Now that the light has finally dawned, I believe I will bask in the sunlight.

Wednesday...Gateway to Thursday

Yes, I know that title makes no sense, except that Thursdays are usually my quietest day and I really look forward to them.

I am quite literally counting the hours until this day is over. It has not gone so well. Oh sure, I have had a couple minor successes. I got my nails done (I like the nails but it feels like such a major time suck to sit there when so much else needs to be done), I washed dishes by hand because the dishwasher was running already and I made Sofie an appointment at the prosthetics place for next week.

A good bit of trauma began, however, when I opened my calendar on my phone accidentally instead of my contacts. I saw that Sofie had an orthodontics appointment today at 11:50. Ugh! I had forgotten. So, I called the middle school to have them give her a note saying I would be there at 11:30. I then opened my iPad to check what days would be good for that prosthetics appointment and see that her orthodontist appointment is at 10:30! Immediately I call the school back to change the time, all the while feeling increasingly stupid. Then I am unsure. What time is her appointment really supposed to be?? I search through emails until I locate the one from the orthodondist and see that it is indeed at 11:50. Oh bother! I am NOT calling the school back again!

When I arrived, an hour earlier than really necessary, I find that she is not ready because the office never sent her the note. Good grief! We leave, rush through some paperwork at my office, hit the orthodontist and then enjoy lunch out at the new Chinese buffet. I guess that turned out OK after all.

Of course then after school Sofie needs to be picked up are so she can stay and take a test she missed, the fax I need to send gets a busy signal nine times and I run out of time to sit and wait for it, I have no plan for dinner, I totally missed the dude who came to re-check the kitchen island measurement and he didn't get the cabinet door he needs to send in to have stain-matched and I am going to bang my head on the tile floor soon because I've been trying to study for a test over cells with the 5th grader and he tells me they never talked about how the chloroplasts get energy from the sun. Hhmmm...really? THEN WHY DOES IT SAY THOSE EXACT WORDS ON YOUR STUDY GUIDE???

Of course, as any fine parent would do on a day like today, I made a bacon and sauerkraut dish. No main dish just the sauerkraut. I thought it sounded good and I had the ingredients. The kids are not going to eat it. I will let them eat cold cereal. Then we can hop off to church where I can hand out snacks because feeding people makes me happy.

Tomorrow is Thursday. Today is Thursday Eve. Tomorrow I have no appointments. Sshhhh! I know about all those things I SHOULD do tomorrow! Do you think I don't? Of course I do. But right now, the entire column under Thursday in my calendar is empty. It is beautiful.

A Walk Down Memory Lane

Today I took advantage of the amazing fall weather and a rare commitment-free day to go for a walk. Sometimes I walk around our lake neighborhood but it is only a little over a mile and I get bored so I rarely go around more than once. Today I decided to start at one point and walk to another no matter how long it took. It took a hour and a half!

I walked along one of our community walking trails and enjoyed the bright Autumn sun and crisp air. I came across a mouse in the path....it was dead, thankfully. I watched a beautiful deer bound along the ditch and then stop and watch me approach before bounding off again into the woods. Squirrels played tag across my path and I had to laugh.

Now I have walked part of this path in the last couple of years but I always turn around at a certain point and head back. My time is always too tight. But not today. Today I blew right past my usual turn around spot and kept chugging along.

I am so glad I did! I quickly came upon the spot where Rick, the kids and I went fishing in the dark one night. We roasted weenies and made s'mores and made some memories. I smiled as I passed by.

As I continued on I entered the area where I used to run when I was waiting for Chase's adoption to go through. I have not thought of those tough days for a long time. We waited for him for 2 years and I remember the the deals I made with God as I ran; if I run to that tree we would get a call with good news. It never worked but it kept me busy.

Continuing on, I walked down the stretch of paved path where Sofie practiced walking with her first prosthesis. She was 2 years old and loved the freedom of leaving her stroller behind as she walked away. I can still hear her sweet giggle from that day.

Further on I came upon the picnic table where I sat to enjoy the view and the sound of the little waterfall when things were really stressful. I still love that spot.

Just beyond the picnic table and waterfall is the spot where I let our pet rabbits loose in the park. In my own defense, it was many years ago, I didn't know it was illegal and I thought it was a beautiful place to live if you were a bunny!

Trekking on, I recognized the little incline where Ana fell while rollerblading and broke her arm. That was a terrible day! We were a ways from the vehicle, I was running and the kids were rollerblading. Bless her heart, Ana was a trooper.

As I neared the spot where I planned to turn around I passed the one spot along the path where the pine tres smell so good. It is so odd and I don't know why it is only there but I love it. It smells like Christmas to me.

Finally I reached my turn-around point and headed back toward my car...enjoying all my memories in reverse.

Why am I a Mother?

This being Mother's Day and all, I have been thinking about why I am a mother. Well, that and the fact that I was awake at 6 a.m. for no apparent reason at all with nothing to do but think.

So anyway, why am I a mom? Maybe because I have no other marketable skills. Perhaps I didn't want to go on to college. Was I raised in a home that taught me that 'good women' were wives and mothers? Who knows. All I do know is that from my earliest recollections, all I ever wanted to be was a mommy.

I loved my mom. I mean really l.o.v.e.d. my mom! She was always there to do the 'mom' stuff. She made the meals, she helped with homework, she drove us to and picked us up from school (in the towns where we lived that didn't have bussing), she was a MOM. She took her job seriously. She wasn't constantly looking for that elusive something that would fulfill her. She didn't treat mothering as something she had to do until we were old enough that she could get back to doing what she really wanted to do.

And yet, she did enrich her mind. She read a lot and on car trips, she would read the funny parts out loud. I liked that. When I was in fifth grade she took an accounting class and I recall being so impressed that she was learning that. She always had a great circle of friends and even made friends anywhere she went (or even talking to the telephone operator during a wrong number situation once. I believe her example of warmth and humor to others greatly impacted me.

So, that is what I wanted to be. I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to make a home and take care of my family. Boy, I had no clue how that idea would bloom into the crazy family I have now! I envisioned a quiet little family like the one I grew up in. Mine couldn't be further from that now.

Oh sure, it started out pretty simple. First our beautiful son was born. What a joy! I knew I wanted more children but I so enjoyed him that the four years flew by before we had our second child; our beautiful daughter. Such a juxtaposition was her birth. She was everything I wanted; a daughter who was amazing in every way. She completed our family. She was sweet-tempered and everything should've been perfect. It would've, had it not been for the 18 months of post-partum depression coupled with Rick quitting his secure job of 11 years to buy our first business. My lovely dream of motherhood collided with the harsh world of stress.

When things finally evened out five years later, we knew we were supposed to adopt a daughter from Russia. So we did and that snowballed into three more international adoptions. Of course, we didn't bring home perfect little bouncing baby bundles of joy. No, we brought home children between the ages of 19 months and 5 years, three with varying degrees of physical issues (missing limb, needing craniotomy and genetic stiffening of the joints) and bless his heart, the last one being the brother of one of the others. They were not 'bouncing baby' anythings...but they were perfect for our family.

My mothering took on an entirely different tone. No longer were my days filled with the simple things like making meals and going to the park. Now we were teaching litte ones how to live in a family and speak English. Medical issues sucked cash faster than we could make it sometimes. The emotional fallout of living in an Eastern European orphanage had to be dealt with daily.

This was nowhere near what I had ever dreamed of when I wanted to be a mom. And yet, I cannot imagine it any other way. I would have been bored silly with two 'average' kids. I love the fact that not only have I been able to be Mommy to our biological children, but also to our children who needed a second chance. What a blessing!

Maybe this sounds silly to you, but I feel like perhaps I've done a little good in the world. Not really for just my kids, but for some other kids who may have benefitted in the school system because I stomped in and asked the teachers and administration to educate themselves on children who have been raised with early childhood trauma. I know there have been other children adopted because I got the opportunity to speak about our own experiences. It's been an arduous journey for us. It's not been easy by any stretch but I liken it to digging a well by hand. It takes a long, long time and you get sore and dirty and want to give up a million times, but when it's done and you can see the fresh water being pumped out and quenching the thirst of others, you know it was worth all the hard work.

I'm quite satisfied that my childhood wish to be 'just a mom' has come true. I'm blessed to have all six of my unique and perfect (for me!) children plus a wonderful daughter-in-law. I want all of my children to follow a path that leads to their own personal happiness and I hope that my daughters will want to be moms. It is my great hope that they will see the importance of raising the next generation with strength and moral conviction...and humor and grace. There is not much applause in the daily tasks of making lunches and tying shoes or later on taking the swimsuit needed for the away meet up to the school in the nick of time. But let me tell you this, there is a deep, deep satisfaction in seeing your children being respectful, sincere, hardworking, kind, generous and able to love the Lord, themselves and others. For me, that is the big payoff.

Happy Mother's Day to my own mom, Paula Jacks, who set the example I wanted to follow, and to my wonderfully patient and accepting of a mouthy young girl who took over her son's life mother-in-law, Karen Tate. I love you both!

Balancing Act

A Balancing Act

Do you find yourself running like a maniac during the day? I do. Do you find that you are working so hard to be organized that you’ve run out of time to enjoy life? I have. Do you find that you are so intent on making sure things are done correctly that you are making everyone else in the family miserable in the process? Oh boy, I am.
I find myself failing at these specific things each day and I am frustrated. Why? It is good to be busy, right? It’s good to be organized, right? It’s good to do things correctly, right? Well, sure, to an extent all of those things are good. But when my focus is on the running and the organizing and the correctness of everything, I have lost my way. God didn’t call me to be a City Planner or a CEO or a task master. He called me to be a mom.
Yes, yes…I know what you are saying. Being a mom involves ALL of those duties; running like crazy, organizing and doing things correctly. I know. But it’s so much more than that. Being a mom is about teaching through example how to accomplish those tasks. It’s about knowing your little people and what is going on in their hearts and in their day. It’s about spending time being happy with them even if the ‘things’ of the day aren’t done or perfect. (Jill…are you listening? Hello? Jill? ) For some, this is a monumental task. Ok, fine. For me this is a monumental task.
Possibly it has to do with the size of my family and number of businesses we own. There IS a lot to do in a day. And truly, can I tell the accountant or the bank, “Gee, sorry about the overdraft. I will do my bookwork later. I’m enjoying the kids this week!” Well, of course not. (though I’d love to!) There has to be a balance. Striking that balance is what I find difficult.
Maybe you are a little like me. I put off all fun things until the ‘un-fun’ things are done. I don’t go for a walk until I have done my bookwork, laundry, errands, menus, grocery shopping, food prep., etc. This means I rarely get to go for a walk. I don’t commit to hanging out with a friend because I know I will have work to do and if I don’t get it done right away it will pile up and then it will become unmanageable! Well, at least that’s how it feels to me. This means I rarely get to hang out with friends. I don’t want to burden my parents/older kids with the littles so I don’t ask for sitters unless I really must. This means I mostly get sitters for the ‘un-fun’ things. Then I begin to be an unhappy camper. And you know what they say: If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!
So I go back to the Bible and see what God has to say about my current dilemma. I know that God is not a God of chaos. I know He is a God of order and peace. I want order and peace!! Proverbs 17:1 says, “Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting with strife.”
Ok, I get it. Basically it’s better to have Pizza Rolls and a happy home than a standing rib roast with 4 amazing side dishes and a cranky mother. So I’m going to work on re-aligning my priorities with His; striking a balance between the nuts and bolts of the day and being the mom I should be. How about you? Do you need to lighten up too? If so, then join me in memorizing Proverbs 17:1. God IS the God of peace!
So now I wonder, does that ‘crust’ have to be homemade? Oh boy…