I'm Really Not A People Person

I think that I am.  I thought that I was.  But I am apparently not.  A people person that is...

I love people.  Don't get me wrong.  People are good...mostly.  When I am in a group, I really enjoy myself.  I'm relatively entertaining and I love to meet new people.  My problem seems to be maintaining deep relationships.  I am finding that I don't really want to share....myself....my time...even my stuff now and then.  Maybe I've been taken advantage of too many times.  Maybe I've had expectations that are just too high.  Maybe I've expected to get back what I give....and haven't.  Oh this blog has become such a downer! 

So, let's back up.  I was an extremely shy child.  I liked home.  I liked my mom.  I did not like school or Brownies (WHO makes a small child glue cotton onto paper???  It's impossible and I hate the way cotton feels!) or summer camp or new schools or not getting my own way (if you ask my older sister).  But regardless, we moved a lot and I was tossed into new school after new school where I developed humor as a coping mechanisim.  I learned to approach others (despite almost paralyzing fear) and start a conversation because if I didn't, nobody was going to talk to me; they already HAD friends.  I needed friends.  It became a skill...almost a detachment of my true self.

Now I find that I am still adept at making new friends and I'm really pretty good at customer service.  But I am not comfortable with maintaining relationships.  I don't have much of a track record with that particular skill.  With such a big and busy family, I don't have much time for other relationships so I probably use that as my excuse to not make the time.  I'm thankful for a couple of friends who continue to touch base with me so I don't completely fade away.  They ask me to do things and every time I can say YES I am so happy that I did.  But, truth be told, I feel really nervous to say yes.  Why?  I'm 43 years old??? 

Is it the guilt of going and having a fun dinner with a friend when my husband is at home with the kids after a long hard day at work?  Is it that I feel I should spend my time with him since we don't get much time together?  Or am I really just inclined to be a hermit?

Most likely, a mixture of all of the above.  Stir in the fact that I'm not good at playing the 'social' games and I really don't want to join in.  I like straight forward, real communication.  I don't do well ignoring the fact that a person is cheating on their spouse or is in dire financial trouble and yet continuing to live above their means.  I wish I could just gloss it over....not care about it....let it go!  I work on it.

My sister has the most amazing group of friends.  Her social calendar is always full and that looks so appealing to me.  Then again, she has 2 kids and I have 4 still at home.  It's not a cop out...it makes a difference.  But you know what?  I am so blessed that she has shared her friends with me!  What a great sister she is :)  I LOVE...I mean L.O.V.E visiting her and getting to hang with her and her friends.  That is one of the most amazing things about my sister...she always shares everything that she has...but I digress.

My dad is a little hermit-ish.  Perhaps I have come by it honestly.  Regardless, I find it hard to balance the intense demands of a busy family (with kids who's needs are slightly above average....to say the least) with friendships that are deeply satisfying.

Even when I have a day without a lot of scheduled activity, I find that what I want to do is read or write or take photographs.  None of those activities seem to require anyone but myself. 

Maybe when the kids are grown and gone I will feel the need to spend more time with friends.  Maybe.