My "Once Upon A Time"...

Many months ago...hmm...perhaps over a year, I bought Beth Moore's Bible study workbook on Esther.  Technically, I bought 3 of them, thinking that maybe I would do an actual Bible study with other humans.  These books hung in their plastic bag from the store on my stair rail post for a l.o.n.g. time.  Finally, I put them in the hall closet. 

I have a desire to study God's word.  I really do.  I just don't like to quiet my mind and I have a hard time doing so.  Since my brother passed, I have been avoiding thinking too deeply about most things.  I accept what is and move on.  I know that God is in control so I just go along for the ride.  (Please, try not to be intimidated by my super spirituality).  I have listened to over 20 audio books.  I listen while I do housework.  I listen in the car.  I listen while I cook.  If my mind is occupied with the blather of the narrator, I don't have to think of anything else.

Come on!  It's not THAT bad.  I'm not drinking seceretly during the day or injecting drugs between my toes so that I don't have track marks to avoid reality. (I saw that on Intervention...)  I'm simply filling my mental time with fluff. 

I'm not here to say that audio book listening is bad.  It isn't and I have really enjoyed some of the stories I have listened to.  But I do acknowledge that I am sticking my head in the sand, one audio book at a time.

Then, this morning, out of the blue I decide to dig out that Bible study workbook and start on it.  I gather my bible and my workbook....along with my latte...and sit down to begin.  Then I have to go hunting for some cheater glasses because I simply cannot see any longer.  I begin and it is interesting.  I am looking forward to learning more about Esther. 

Because I am a very visual person, I enjoy the descriptions of the royal party that Xerxes threw.  Seems like a fun time in the Kingdom.  I learned that Xerxes' grandfather is Cyrus the Great, but I must refer to him as Cyrus the Virus.  Yes, all you fans of the movie Con Air will appreciate that.  I get the historical connection of Cyrus being used by God to deliver His message to send the exiles to return to Jerusalem.  It is all very interesting.

I continue along filling in my blanks when I come to the 'Personal Question' about what I am hoping for as I begin this Bible study.  Well...I don't know...to learn more about Esther and God and how he used her...to grow closer to God (that is a good all around spiritual answer, right??).  Then the next paragraph stopped me dead in my tracks:  Has a negative event or a near-eternal wait recently made you lose hope about something important to you?  Do you have any natural reasons to think that whatever your "one upon a time" might have been, it can never be now?

Um...well....yes, I supose so.  Just yesterday I wrote about how hard it is to parent RAD kids.  The main component of my feelings about doing that is failure.  Failure at the very thing I thought I would be good at.  I envisioned my life with lots of happy kids.  That is not my reality.  My "once upon a time" is not.

I guess there are larger reasons for me embarking on my study of Esther.  I am looking forward to see how God used Esther and how I can glean wisdom...or maybe just hope...from it.  One thing I am 100% positive of is that I need to rewind my thinking and begin again with the knowledge that I am not the one in control of how things turn out.  I learned last year that it is not ME who in control of the final product.  I am to do my part.  I am do look to Him for strength and guidance, but ultimately, it is HE who determines the final outcome. 

Yeah, yeah...of course we all know that.  We do!  But when you are strong-willed and bull-headed, you begin to think that everything is up to you.  Well, at least I do.  So, it is good to have my head thumped and to open my eyes and realize that sometimes I am way off course, stomping along, grumbling how hard things are and unfair they are and listing all the things I don't like about my situation.  Then I can stop, look around and see where I am and head back to the path I need to be on; the path where the going is not so tough because I am not forging it alone.  He is there.  He is walking with me.  He is providing the strength.

I'm finished with today's lesson but I am looking forward to tomorrow's.  Maybe my "once upon a time" won't be such a fairy tale after all. 

Enough is Enough

UNCLE!  I give in.  I need help!  Enough is enough!

It is no secret that parenting is no easy task.  There are ups and downs.  Kids are kids and pass through phases where they push boundaries.  It is a normal part of parenting.  I'm not saying that it isn't tough to parent through those phases, but when the child is passed through the phase, they have grown.  They have learned what the world and others expect of them. They have learned where the boundaries are and who is willing to enforce them.  They have learned something more about just who they are.  It is rewarding to see our children growing and maturing.

On the other hand, when parenting a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder, things don't go quite as planned.  Here is an excellent definition of RAD behavior:  Infants and young children who experience neglect and abuse learn quickly that the world is unsafe, they have no value, and adults cannot be relied upon to meet their needs. This belief paradigm forms a protective shell around the children that helps them survive in a hostile world. When such children enter an adoptive family, this shell prevents them from accepting parental kindness and direction. In fact, children with RAD feel most comfortable when they can recreate and control the chaos from their pasts.

A healthy parent and a child with RAD have a fundamental clash in belief systems. The more the parent tries to nurture and help the child, the more he will reject the closeness and fight to drive the parent away. Normal parenting, when applied to a child with RAD, can leave parents exhausted, stressed, isolated, and feeling like failures. As frustration rises, parents are more likely to reinforce the child´s negative beliefs, and be sucked into a downward spiral. To break the spiral, parents (often mothers, the most common target of adopted children´s rage) need to be supported by a tightly focused team composed of treatment professionals and educated family members and friends.

 

This probably doesn't seem like such a big deal if you are not up to your chin in it.  I was aware of RAD before we adopted.  I guess I just thought that we would be able to overcome.  Now, I have my doubts.   

 

That's not to say I don't love my kids...all of them.  Of course I do!  They are my kids!  There is nothing I would not do for them if they needed it and I was able.  The problem isn't loving them.  But also, the solution isn't loving them either.

 

No matter how much I love my RAD kids, it does not change their behavior.  It does not change their behavior because, as stated above, the more I love and nurture, the more they fight to drive me away.  It is really a gut-wrenching cycle.

 

We have done much therapy and seen some small degree of improvement, however, not enough to make life pleasant a lot of days.  I find that after 10, 12 and 15 years of this behavior, I absolutely do feel exhausted, stressed, isolated and like a failure.  The most unfortunate part is that I also feel myself pulling away.  I cannot continue to repeat the cycle of insanity that is RAD.  I am only human, after all. 

 

I find it hard to balance parenting of the typical kiddos with the RAD kiddos.  In order to not reinforce negative behavior and spiral into insanity, I have to not acknowledge the RAD behavior.  OK, so if a typical kid steals food; steals my camera; spills juice on the floor and vehemently denies it (even tho they have juice all over their shirt); lies about homework, their whereabouts and everything else ever questioned and destroys all the books and toys that belonged to their siblings when they were little, I would give a consequence.  However, because it is being done by a RAD kid, I have to minimize it and let it go.  Consequencing this behavior does not work.  It isn't fair to the typical kid to always get a consequence and the RAD kid to skate by. 

 

That is not to say we don't consequence the RAD kids.  We do.  We ground, take away privileges, etc.  It just doesn't matter.  It does not change their behavior.  It is exhausting and defeating.

 

Further reading in this article revealed some ideas I already knew.  Things I have done before but, honestly, are SO difficult to do in isolation.  If I had 'wrap around services' that this family had where the mother and the child were supported by a theraputic team, that would be amazing.  I will just do the best I can do.

 

I think employing the techniques that 'reframe core beliefs' can be likened to having to suddenly start walking backward everywhere you go.  Everyone in the world walks forward to get where they are going but suddenly now, in order to save your child's very life, you MUST walk backward.  It is hard because we were not really built to walk backward.  It is uncomfortable and feels awkward.  Because you have walked forward for your entire life up to this point, you often forget to walk backward.  You take off and are getting things done and then you realize your child is failing...all because you forgot to walk backward.  You bump into people and things and others look at you like you are crazy for walking backward.  It is just hard to do. 

 

But who amoung us would not do whatever it took to help our children?  So, even tho I wish there were other backward walkers to hold my hand some days and remind me that I am doing the right thing, I will walk backward. 

 

I am exceedingly thankful for the patience and understanding of my kids who do not need me to walk backward for them.  I know it can be frustrating; even irritating to have a mother who walks backward so much.  It take the focus off of their good behavior, and that isn't altogether fair.  I regret that and I hope that I can do for them enough that they know how loved and appreciated they are.

 

So, that is why I am not scraping the peeling paint from our front porch railing this morning.  I am making a plan to 'reframe core beliefs'.  I am making flash cards for myself to remind me of what is truth (because let me assure you, in the crazyness of RAD, truth gets lost). I am limbering up to walk backward. 

 

Ready...set....GO!

Author's Note:  Please forgive my unclear writing.  I was reading an article as I was writing this.  The article I refer to is located at:  http://www.nacac.org/adoptalk/intensiveinhome.html  If you read it, you will really understand our daily life and the struggle to walk backward.  --Jill