For a lot of years now I have been a little off kilter. Yeah, yeah....I know what you are thinking; you already knew that. I freely admit to being a little quirky and occasionally downright backwards, but that isn't what I am talking about.
Let me back up. There was a time, many years in my life when I could do anything I put my mind to. I was strong and relatively intelligent. I got any job I applied for. I could work out and not perish. I had clothes that fit. I was good at my job. I had friends....lots of them! I knew myself; my strengths and weaknesses.
Things changed a bit when I got married and my family (parents and brother) moved to another state, I was a bit adrift in the sea if my new family. They all had each other and 'their' ways (which I was not to question) and I felt like an outsider and alone. Now don't get me wrong! Nothing was ever done by most of them to make me feel this way. They were just living the life they always had. They had no idea what it was like to stand in my shoes and it simply never occurred to them to find out. It is only now, some 25 years later that I finally understand some of the inner workings of this family. But I will get to that in a bit.
So, here I am, a newly married 20 year old and my greatest dream is to be a wife and mother. I know that I am nurturing and I have a really well developed sense of right and wrong. I love children. This I can do! And so, we begin our family. First a son; an amazing little man who has grown into an amazing big man. He was a delight and a challenge all rolled into one. Why not have more! Along came our first daughter...and 18 months of post-partum depression. Our daughter was the most beautiful baby ever and I was so happy to be her mom, but I just couldn't shake the baby blues.
As I had said before, my family had moved to another state and so I was on my own. It was actually my sister, who also lived in another state but was savvy enough to pick up on the symptoms, who urged me to seek help. In my own defense, I did reach out once. I was desperate and in a phone conversation with my mother-in-law said' "I don't understand. I really need help and you are taking (sister-in-law) on a vacation to talk her out of dating some guy.". Her reply, "well, I can see you are just jealous.". I'm not sure it was jealousy but I was a mess. I truly needed help but I learned that day not to ask. Not to depend. I was not at the top of the list. I needed to pull myself up by my bootstraps and move on. If only it were that easy.
Fast forward a few years and we have adopted four beautiful children. This is what we felt led to do. No regrets. However...this is where my whole being began to be chipped away daily. What did I always want to be? A mom. What did I think I was good at? Nurturing children and raising them to be good adults. Well, let me tell you, those notions were being put to the test.
After losing virtually all of our friends because we chose to adopt initially, we had very little support. That's ok. I am strong. I can do this. Child needs a Bilateral Craniotomy? No problem. Next child needs a prosthetic leg our insurance won't cover? No problem. I will make three or four trips to Minneapolis with all the kids by myself each year. The boys need counseling to overcome the trauma they experienced in the beginning of their lives? No problem. I will structure our days and our budget to accommodate that too.
Except it isn't that easy. It isn't that cut and dried. It isn't always 'no problem'. Sometimes it actually is PROBLEM! Especially if you add into this scenario being self employed and having a spouse who works 80 hours a week. It is draining. It is overwhelming.
The hardest part has now been addressed, thankfully. The boys are in counseling. Things are on the upswing. But prior to this year? Well, let's just say things were on a downswing.
Nothing I did parenting-wise was working. Everything that worked with the other four kiddos bounced off those boys like they were rubber. They were impervious to my love and nurturing. They lied. They snuck. They smiled and nodded when you gave instructions and then went and did exactly what they wanted to do. One of them has destroyed all of our books. He also has urinated on the floor when angry. He has spent every morning of the last three years doing everything he can do make me angry before school. He has succeeded.
I became an angry mom. I was angry because I was trying so hard, doing everything I knew how, reading all the parenting books I could and still, nothing was turning out right. I was failing at parenting. I was failing at the ONE thing I thought I would be good at! I was a failure at the thing I had always dreamed of being. A painful reality.
Then a light appeared at the end of my tunnel and this time it did not turn out to be an oncoming train. I found out about a place in Norfolk that does attachment counseling with internationally adopted children. I called. We went. We are still going. Everyone is learning about themselves and making progress. Let me tell you though, it ain't easy! To face abandonment and make peace with it...hard. To truly believe that you are worth being loved....hard. To learn not to react immediately in anger to a child who is reacting to intrinsic memory....hard.
But we are working through the hard stuff. We are becoming a closer family. Nobody urinates on the floor and the truth is told at a normal level. It is disappointing to realize that I could not just be the amazing parent I thought I could be but I am ever thankful to God for bringing the Counseling Enrichment Center into our lives. He has worked mightily through them to mold and repair our family. Are we 'there' yet? Nope. But we are making progress and that is better than before.
In addition to getting the attachment help we needed, I have come to realize that not being on the top of my mother-in-laws list is not my fault. It isn't due to some failing on my part as I believed for so many years. I know she loves me. No doubt about that. But her daughter is just that, her daughter. The baby she prayed for many years ago and was the answer to those prayers. I have never wanted to compete with the sister-in-law...ever. There is nothing to compete for. I simply needed a mom all those years ago and did not, at that time, understand her choice. Now I do. I also understand that things happen for a reason and I can be aware of how I treat my daughters and sons-in-law because of this.
So on a few levels, the light has dawned for me. Realizing that the boys needed more than I was qualified to give has released me from my constant anger at myself for not being a better parent. Realizing that finding our family the help we need was really a good parenting move....well maybe I am an OK parent after all! Besides, on the whole I do have some pretty amazing, respectful, smart, witty and all around fantabulous kids!
Now that the light has finally dawned, I believe I will bask in the sunlight.
Posts
