Ahhh..here we are to 2010.  A shiney new year to begin anew all the things we slacked on last year.  While a new  year isn't exactly a big do-over, it is a nice clean slate to start with. 

Last year I found myself all wound up ALL the time about things I had no control over.  I missed out on a lot of joy because I chose to be frustrated and mad.  I plan to do better on that front this year.

I've been thinking about what will be my New Year's Resolution this year.  I'm not going to resolve to lose weight or work out more or not yell at bad drivers.  Been there, failed at that.  Besides, those are really just temporal things.  Does it make me a better person if I weigh 20 lbs. less or 40 lbs. more?  Am I a better human if I can run a mile in 6 minutes and my biceps look like I'm flexing even when I'm not?  Oh maybe, but not to the extent that I want to be a better human.

A couple of areas that could use a little work have been on my mind lately.  I'll take a risk and share them with you here.  Now you will all know when I'm failing miserably!  Then again, maybe I'm not alone in my failue in these areas. 

Firstly, I want to love my kids for who they are and let them fail. (gasp!  fail??)  That sounds trite...sappy...easy.  For me it's not.  I know you will all be SO surprised to hear this, but I tend to have high expectations for my children. No, really, it's true.  I'm hard on them.  I have ADD myself and have to have a pretty strict guidelines for myself.  I impose those guidelines on my children.  I forget that they are children.  I don't allow them to try and fail.  In my quest to help them succeed, I am actually handicapping them!  And why, you might ask?  Because it's EASIER FOR ME!  Yep.  That is the sad truth.  It's easier for me to keep track of things if I control it all.  tsk tsk tsk...  So, this year I am going to make it my mission to STEP BACK and let my children have a little more room to breathe.  I'll let them make more noise in the house; at least I'll try.  I'll let them play their Nintendo DS's and the Wii more often and make them study a little less.  It doesn't seem to have helped and has seemed to create a boy who will do ANYTHING to evade studying.  Can we all say counterproductive?  I'm totally working against myself and in the process, I've created a less than happy atmosphere in the home.  2010 is the year I love my children for the unique, quirky little people that they are even if they fail and I could've have saved them from it if they had just done things MY way!

Secondly, I was challenged by a sermon by our Youth Pastor last week.  He asked the question: Who would you be if you lost everything; your possessions, your support, your loved ones, your status, your livelihood...everything?  Would I be whiney and angry and mad that God had allowed such things to happen to me?  Well, sadly, yes.  I've already been that person.  Oh, I haven't lost EVERYTHING.  But a few years ago, I did lose most of my support system.  Through an odd and complicated set of circumstances, several years ago, just when I THOUGHT I needed them most, my network of friends said 'adios!'  I was shocked and stunned.  Then I was MAD.  Mad at them.  Mad at everyone else.  Mad at God.  I couldn't understand why God would 'take' all my friends away at the very time I really needed them.  We had just adopted our first (adopted) child and it was a stressful time.  I felt alone and adrift.  God had not abandoned me and yet I totally turned on Him.  This oh-so-attractive state of my being continued for several years, I am ashamed to admit.  I don't really recall what turned things around, but I eventually came to my senses, made peace with God (tearfully on my knees) and reconciled with my friends.  So, as you can see, my track record ain't great and I only lost one little part of my comfy world that time.  I need to seriously bolster my core...my heart....my spirit.  My aim is to be the person who, if all is lost, can say as Job did, "I came into this world with nothing and I will leave with nothing.  Praise God anyway" (paraphrase mine)  I am trying to be conscious of my thoughts and attitudes towards my 'people and things'.  I know that they aren't really MINE...they are His.  I know this.  However, when I contemplate giving up my 'perceived' ownership of them (mostly my people), my heart beats fast and I can't fathom it.  I need His help with this.  I will seek His strength and wisdom and peace.  My legs are pretty shakey at this right now.  I feel like the child who is too scared to walk into kindergarten for the first time.  I want to hang onto His leg and hide my face.  I am afraid I can't do it and I am scared to try.  It is my goal that by the end of the year I am skipping through the door to class by myself.  Then maybe next year I'll graduate to another grade and keep on growing.  That's the goal at least.

So, there you have it.  The allocution of my failings and my resolution to improve in 2010.  I'm looking forward to a good year; not an easy year, but a good year.  Easy doesn't always equate to good, does it? 

Cheers!

Jill