It is no secret that parenting is no easy task. There are ups and downs. Kids are kids and pass through phases where they push boundaries. It is a normal part of parenting. I'm not saying that it isn't tough to parent through those phases, but when the child is passed through the phase, they have grown. They have learned what the world and others expect of them. They have learned where the boundaries are and who is willing to enforce them. They have learned something more about just who they are. It is rewarding to see our children growing and maturing.
On the other hand, when parenting a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder, things don't go quite as planned. Here is an excellent definition of RAD behavior: Infants and young children who experience neglect and abuse learn quickly that the world is unsafe, they have no value, and adults cannot be relied upon to meet their needs. This belief paradigm forms a protective shell around the children that helps them survive in a hostile world. When such children enter an adoptive family, this shell prevents them from accepting parental kindness and direction. In fact, children with RAD feel most comfortable when they can recreate and control the chaos from their pasts.
A healthy
parent and a child with RAD have a fundamental clash in belief systems. The more
the parent tries to nurture and help the child, the more he will reject the
closeness and fight to drive the parent away. Normal parenting, when applied to
a child with RAD, can leave parents exhausted, stressed, isolated, and feeling
like failures. As frustration rises, parents are more likely to reinforce the
child´s negative beliefs, and be sucked into a downward spiral. To break
the spiral, parents (often mothers, the most common target of adopted
children´s rage) need to be supported by a tightly focused team composed
of treatment professionals and educated family members and friends.
This probably doesn't seem like such a big deal if you are not up to your chin in it. I was aware of RAD before we adopted. I guess I just thought that we would be able to overcome. Now, I have my doubts.
That's not to say I don't love my kids...all of them. Of course I do! They are my kids! There is nothing I would not do for them if they needed it and I was able. The problem isn't loving them. But also, the solution isn't loving them either.
No matter how much I love my RAD kids, it does not change their behavior. It does not change their behavior because, as stated above, the more I love and nurture, the more they fight to drive me away. It is really a gut-wrenching cycle.
We have done much therapy and seen some small degree of improvement, however, not enough to make life pleasant a lot of days. I find that after 10, 12 and 15 years of this behavior, I absolutely do feel exhausted, stressed, isolated and like a failure. The most unfortunate part is that I also feel myself pulling away. I cannot continue to repeat the cycle of insanity that is RAD. I am only human, after all.
I find it hard to balance parenting of the typical kiddos with the RAD kiddos. In order to not reinforce negative behavior and spiral into insanity, I have to not acknowledge the RAD behavior. OK, so if a typical kid steals food; steals my camera; spills juice on the floor and vehemently denies it (even tho they have juice all over their shirt); lies about homework, their whereabouts and everything else ever questioned and destroys all the books and toys that belonged to their siblings when they were little, I would give a consequence. However, because it is being done by a RAD kid, I have to minimize it and let it go. Consequencing this behavior does not work. It isn't fair to the typical kid to always get a consequence and the RAD kid to skate by.
That is not to say we don't consequence the RAD kids. We do. We ground, take away privileges, etc. It just doesn't matter. It does not change their behavior. It is exhausting and defeating.
Further reading in this article revealed some ideas I already knew. Things I have done before but, honestly, are SO difficult to do in isolation. If I had 'wrap around services' that this family had where the mother and the child were supported by a theraputic team, that would be amazing. I will just do the best I can do.
I think employing the techniques that 'reframe core beliefs' can be likened to having to suddenly start walking backward everywhere you go. Everyone in the world walks forward to get where they are going but suddenly now, in order to save your child's very life, you MUST walk backward. It is hard because we were not really built to walk backward. It is uncomfortable and feels awkward. Because you have walked forward for your entire life up to this point, you often forget to walk backward. You take off and are getting things done and then you realize your child is failing...all because you forgot to walk backward. You bump into people and things and others look at you like you are crazy for walking backward. It is just hard to do.
But who amoung us would not do whatever it took to help our children? So, even tho I wish there were other backward walkers to hold my hand some days and remind me that I am doing the right thing, I will walk backward.
I am exceedingly thankful for the patience and understanding of my kids who do not need me to walk backward for them. I know it can be frustrating; even irritating to have a mother who walks backward so much. It take the focus off of their good behavior, and that isn't altogether fair. I regret that and I hope that I can do for them enough that they know how loved and appreciated they are.
So, that is why I am not scraping the peeling paint from our front porch railing this morning. I am making a plan to 'reframe core beliefs'. I am making flash cards for myself to remind me of what is truth (because let me assure you, in the crazyness of RAD, truth gets lost). I am limbering up to walk backward.
Ready...set....GO!
Author's Note: Please forgive my unclear writing. I was reading an article as I was writing this. The article I refer to is located at: http://www.nacac.org/adoptalk/intensiveinhome.html If you read it, you will really understand our daily life and the struggle to walk backward. --Jill
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