My "Once Upon A Time"...

Many months ago...hmm...perhaps over a year, I bought Beth Moore's Bible study workbook on Esther.  Technically, I bought 3 of them, thinking that maybe I would do an actual Bible study with other humans.  These books hung in their plastic bag from the store on my stair rail post for a l.o.n.g. time.  Finally, I put them in the hall closet. 

I have a desire to study God's word.  I really do.  I just don't like to quiet my mind and I have a hard time doing so.  Since my brother passed, I have been avoiding thinking too deeply about most things.  I accept what is and move on.  I know that God is in control so I just go along for the ride.  (Please, try not to be intimidated by my super spirituality).  I have listened to over 20 audio books.  I listen while I do housework.  I listen in the car.  I listen while I cook.  If my mind is occupied with the blather of the narrator, I don't have to think of anything else.

Come on!  It's not THAT bad.  I'm not drinking seceretly during the day or injecting drugs between my toes so that I don't have track marks to avoid reality. (I saw that on Intervention...)  I'm simply filling my mental time with fluff. 

I'm not here to say that audio book listening is bad.  It isn't and I have really enjoyed some of the stories I have listened to.  But I do acknowledge that I am sticking my head in the sand, one audio book at a time.

Then, this morning, out of the blue I decide to dig out that Bible study workbook and start on it.  I gather my bible and my workbook....along with my latte...and sit down to begin.  Then I have to go hunting for some cheater glasses because I simply cannot see any longer.  I begin and it is interesting.  I am looking forward to learning more about Esther. 

Because I am a very visual person, I enjoy the descriptions of the royal party that Xerxes threw.  Seems like a fun time in the Kingdom.  I learned that Xerxes' grandfather is Cyrus the Great, but I must refer to him as Cyrus the Virus.  Yes, all you fans of the movie Con Air will appreciate that.  I get the historical connection of Cyrus being used by God to deliver His message to send the exiles to return to Jerusalem.  It is all very interesting.

I continue along filling in my blanks when I come to the 'Personal Question' about what I am hoping for as I begin this Bible study.  Well...I don't know...to learn more about Esther and God and how he used her...to grow closer to God (that is a good all around spiritual answer, right??).  Then the next paragraph stopped me dead in my tracks:  Has a negative event or a near-eternal wait recently made you lose hope about something important to you?  Do you have any natural reasons to think that whatever your "one upon a time" might have been, it can never be now?

Um...well....yes, I supose so.  Just yesterday I wrote about how hard it is to parent RAD kids.  The main component of my feelings about doing that is failure.  Failure at the very thing I thought I would be good at.  I envisioned my life with lots of happy kids.  That is not my reality.  My "once upon a time" is not.

I guess there are larger reasons for me embarking on my study of Esther.  I am looking forward to see how God used Esther and how I can glean wisdom...or maybe just hope...from it.  One thing I am 100% positive of is that I need to rewind my thinking and begin again with the knowledge that I am not the one in control of how things turn out.  I learned last year that it is not ME who in control of the final product.  I am to do my part.  I am do look to Him for strength and guidance, but ultimately, it is HE who determines the final outcome. 

Yeah, yeah...of course we all know that.  We do!  But when you are strong-willed and bull-headed, you begin to think that everything is up to you.  Well, at least I do.  So, it is good to have my head thumped and to open my eyes and realize that sometimes I am way off course, stomping along, grumbling how hard things are and unfair they are and listing all the things I don't like about my situation.  Then I can stop, look around and see where I am and head back to the path I need to be on; the path where the going is not so tough because I am not forging it alone.  He is there.  He is walking with me.  He is providing the strength.

I'm finished with today's lesson but I am looking forward to tomorrow's.  Maybe my "once upon a time" won't be such a fairy tale after all.