NUDGE!!

A few Sundays ago in church, our pastor said that the most common thing he sees is the 'elbow nudge'.  You know, when you hear something and you nudge your husband or wife or child sitting beside you because THEY really need to pay attention to what was just said?  Of course, in reality, it was probably us who really needed to be listening instead of applying nuggets of truth to others.  At least that's how it is for me.

Today I was listening to one of my favorite songs and singing REALLY loudly in the car.  I sing loudly because what I lack in talent I make up in volume.  I was thinking of my friend who is going through a particularly nasty divorce from a particularly nasty man.  She is a beautiful and kind person who loves and accepts people and this song I was singing along with was making me think of her and how it could lift her spirits and help her to remember that no matter what has happened, we are loved by God. 

Then as I sang one part of the song that I've sung a thousand and ten times before, it happened.  NUDGE!  "Apply those words to YOURSELF".

Oh.  ok.  So I did.  Then the tears started.  I needed to apply those words to myself.  I have been feeling a bit off-kilter lately.  There have been big changes in our world this year.  Our oldest child got married.  The next one is finishing up high school in December and will move into an apartment early next year.  We bought a second business a year and a half ago.  Maybe those don't seem daunting to anyone else, but they FEEL so to me.

When I was younger mom I felt so confident in my ability and decisions.  I suppose that was because the kids were young and their problems were more controllable, maybe?  They weren't quite to life-altering.  Or at least I didn't think they were.  Now with the older kids I don't know anything!  I don't know how to advise them and when I do, I get all muddled up in "should I say how I'd do it or try to think of how it would be best for them to do it?".  I feel like I don't do any of it well. 

I have a new daughter-in-law.  I don't know how to be a mother-in-law.  I love her.  No doubt about that.  But I don't know her very well.  After all, my son dated her, I didn't.  I'm not exactly sure how to go about getting to know her or what she expects from our relationship.  I was a very young bride and I lived in the town where my husband grew up where none of my family lived.  I wonder if she feels the way I did?  I have a great relationship with my son but I have pulled back so I don't step on toes.  But...I still step on toes it seems.

My oldest daughter is leaving the nest soon.  I am immensely proud of her and am fully behind her stretching her wings but I hate to see her go.  She was my last baby.  Everyone who came after her was not born to me. She's just a special girl and I like having her around.  I know!  Selfish.  I can admit that.

Lately, I've been questioning all my choices and decisions.  Should we have adopted four children?  Did we short-change our first two?  Did they get pushed to the side because the others required SO much more of...me?  Do they regret it?  Will they never want to have a big family because they hated living in one?   Was I somehow being self-centered thinking I could save the world?  Could my kids have gone to parents who had more time than I do?  Could they have gotten parents who could have afforded more of the finer things in life?  Did I short-change them too?

With all of my uncertainty swirling around in my heart I focused on the words to the Casting Crowns song:

'I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light

I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night

I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals

I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me'

I'm not holding on to Him....He's holding on to ME.  What security to know that when I am feeling so adrift, I'm not really adrift because He is holding on to me.  Who knows if the decisions I've made have been the right ones.  I made the best decisions I could at the time.  Sure, I feel uncertain and like a big fat failure a lot, but I can't live by what I feel.  I have to live by the truth. 

And the truth is, I am loved.  I need to live as if I am loved.  My mistakes; I am trying to learn from them.  My sins; they are cast as far as the East is from the West.  I am shaped by them but not defined by them.  I am forgiven and I am loved. 

I needed that nudge today.